The Easter Story Explained

Some years back, my youngest son asked me about Easter. What it was all about? More importantly, what's with all the eggs? Luckily, as a parent, I was (and am) endowed with the power of complete universal knowledge and, naturally, explaining how Easter works is child's play. Or adult knowledge, in this case.

Here, then, is the story. And rest assured, every single word of it is true.

Every Easter, a giant invisible white rabbit, only vaguely like the one in the famous play, "Harvey," visits every house everywhere all around the world, delivering chocolates for Easter. He goes by the name Easter Bunny.

Possessed with awesome jumping powers, the Easter Bunny doesn't need a sleigh or reindeer to cover the world. He just hops from house to house. When he arrives at a house where a boy or girl live, he slides down the chimney, in much the same way as Santa does. Unlike Santa, however, the Easter Bunny doesn't care if you've been bad or good. He has Easter eggs to deliver and by golly, he's going to deliver them.

Now Santa may be rounder than the Easter Bunny, but the Easter bunny is a lot taller. Also, unlike Santa, the Easter Bunny can shrink himself down to the size of a fly. This is cool because if you don't have a chimney, he can come up the floor vents. Once he pops out, he returns to his normal size (about 7 feet tall). You won't see him, of course, because he is invisible.

Once in your house, the Easter Bunny hops around, pausing to poop out chocolate Easter eggs here and there. The eggs are hidden because he's a bit shy about pooping in public so he poops the eggs behind furniture, bushes, and so on. 

Even though the Easter Bunny is invisible, you can tell when he's around because he growls like a tiger. So if you're out hunting for Easter eggs and you hear a low growl when you find an egg, that's the Easter Bunny.

While it's true that he is invisible, and shy, that's only true most of the time. You see, the Easter Bunny suffers from a kind of multiple personality disorder; either that or he has an evil twin. Take your pick. Assuming there is only one of him, and we have every reason to believe that this is the case, sometimes that wascally wabbit wants to be seen. Wants to make a grand entrance! That's when it gets weird.

It's particularly weird because this always happens after the magical invisible pooping. Some bizarre Jekill and Hyde thing happens and that rabbit randomly goes back to visit some of the very houses he's already been to. And he does so with a vengeance!

Picture it: the front door bursts open with a mighty THUD, and there stands the Easter Bunny, his eyes narrowed in determination, ears erect and twitching. "Alright, you little rug rats," he growls, his voice a rumbling baritone, "the hunt is on!"

Now, of course, children exposed to this version of the Easter Bunny tend to be a mix of delighted and terrified at this sudden invasion. But the Bunny, he doesn't care one bit. Striding into the house, he begins his mad search, muttering under his breath the entire time. "Where are they, where are they?" he grumbles, tossing aside magazines and knickknacks as he goes.

And when he finally finds those precious chocolate eggs? The ones his Dr. Jekill self pooped out and hid earlier? Well, let's just say the kids who witness this are out of luck. He snatches them up (the eggs, not the kids), one by one, and shoves them into his mouth, chewing noisily. "Mine, mine, mine!" he declares through a mouthful of gooey chocolate.

The kids, they're watching in slack-jawed amazement, unsure whether to laugh or run for cover. And just when they think the Bunny can't get any more outrageous, he lets out a massive BURP, the sound echoing through the house. "Pardon me," he says, patting his belly with a satisfied grin.

You'd think this would be awful for the kids, but here's the thing. After eating so much, he, uhm, (how can I put this nicely) releases full size chocolate bunnies, chickens, cartoon, and other pop culture characters. Ask any kid and they'll tell you those beat little chocolate eggs, hands down.

Then, having relieved himself this way, and with only a hint of embarrassment, that 7 foot tall bunny hops away. Or disappears, as the case may be.

And that, my friends, is what Easter is all about.